


Seeking Solace (Turnabout Intruder)

by Saidicam29



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 06:02:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6503767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saidicam29/pseuds/Saidicam29
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some behind the scenes speculation regarding the episode Turnabout Intruder.  I wrote this years ago, and it was probably posted on other lists at the time.  I was intrigued by Christine Chapel sitting beside Spock at the trial...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seeking Solace (Turnabout Intruder)

My gait slows as I neared the first officer's quarters, several PADDs in hand. McCoy always brought Spock these reports to sign…always. After everything that's been going on…there's nothing I can say to cover for him. Spock will know why he isn't here himself. I hesitate outside his door, nod politely to the two guards posted outside. I need a moment to collect my courage. Failing at that, I plaster a false smile upon my lips and press the buzzer. The doors open and I step inside, pausing a moment to adjust to the darker, heavier interior. 

Spock sits at his desk, shoulders slightly slumped. He glances over at me, his eyes not registering surprise, but flickering with some other emotion. One I cannot identify in the split second it is visible before his Vulcan control whisks it away.

"I have the day's reports…"

"I have been charged with mutiny," he says, his voice increasing in pitch. At first I wonder if he is asking me, then decide it is his version of disbelief.

I nod. "So I've heard, but as of now you are still listed on the roster as first officer, and science officer."

He nods and turns away, staring down where his hands are clasped together on his lap. "The court martial has been postponed until the morning."

Surprise seems to tinge all his words now. "I know."

His eyebrows draw together. He looks at me. "What is the logic in bringing reports for approval from someone whose behavior is deemed a detriment to this ship?"

"I don't believe that." He raises a brow and studies me. "Whatever you're doing, whether it's right or wrong, I don't believe you would ever harm anyone on this ship."

He holds out a hand and I come closer, handing him the top one. He begins studying it far more closely than I think is necessary. "McCoy did not come."

"No. He's…uh…"

"Avoiding me."

Damn Leonard! "No. It's just…"

"He does not believe me." 

I can do nothing but stand there, stammering. I never could lie to him. "I…I don't know what he believes," I say evasively.

He pushes the report away and sits there, staring at nothing. My heart bleeds for him but I know I can do nothing. He will accept nothing. I desperately need to get out of this cabin before I embarrass us both. "These aren't urgent," I tell him softly, setting the pile on the corner of his desk. "Take your time. I'll stop by tomorrow to pick them up."

I turn to leave, but his voice stops me. His deep, rough, soothing voice. It's a voice I hear often in my dreams. 

"I may not be here tomorrow."

I take a deep breath and turn back to look at him. "I refuse to believe that." He gives me that look, the one that tells me I'm being utterly illogical, and probably foolish. I take a step closer. "I don't believe that he'd really… Whatever is going on, you and the captain will figure it out, together. Like you always do."

He lowers his eyes, avoiding me again. I wait a moment, as long as I can stand it, then turn to go again. 

"You believe me, do you not?"

He uttered this so softly my ears weren't sure they heard it, but my heart heard him. My chest tightens painfully. I turn, leaning against the partition wall that separates his bedroom from the rest of the cabin, needing its support. 

He stands and comes up to me, standing closer than he ever has before. "*You* believe me," he says again. "You must."

I can feel the heat radiating off his body. "I…believe that…that you believe what you are saying."

He turns away from me. "That is not the same."

I feel like bawling, but I have no idea why. "Spock, you have to realize what you're suggesting is…"

"Unbelievable," he finishes for me. "I know. And yet this ship has encountered unbelievable phenomenon before." He turns back to me. "Is this really so different than what we have already encountered? Was my own consciousness not once stored within your body?"

I feel myself flush, and this time it is I who look away. "Okay, so maybe it's not impossible, but… Even then it wasn't possible without help, without interventions. We have examined both Lester and the captain; there is no indication that anything-"

"I know this," he says impatiently.

"Janice Lester is an ill woman." 

His brow rises enigmatically. "Indeed she is," he agrees.

"Look," I sigh deeply, needing oxygen. "I agree that the captain has been acting…unusual lately. But, to believe her as you do…"

"Him," he corrects me. "I believe him. Captain Kirk."

"How can you *know*?"

"I touched his mind."

I nod. I had heard. The whole ship would have heard the sordid details by now. "Spock, Janice…she might believe she is Captain Kirk. Know it, in her mind, as firmly as we each know we are who we are."

Spock shakes his head. "Is it not the words that convince me. I know his mind, I have touched it before." He stabs me with his stare, then rushes forward. I instinctively move away, but meet only wall. I don't fear Spock, and yet my heart is thundering in my chest. "You should know. You should understand. We have touched minds before." He reaches for me, pauses for just a second, then his fingers settle on my face. 

My mind is bombarded with alien thoughts and emotions, with the essence that is Spock. It felt like finding a friend who had been lost in space, but has finally come home.

"Is this not familiar?" his non-voice asks me. "Do you not know me; recognize my mind voice as surely as you'd recognize my physical voice?"

I don’t know how to answer him, can't even piece together a coherent thought of my own. I nod, not really knowing why, but this pleases him immensely. I feel it in my mind, but I am more distracted by the other things I feel – he feels. Loneliness…desperation…fear… I can't stand it. Tears spill from my eyes, over his fingers. 

I close my eyes. I am embarrassed by my display, for him. I place my hand over his, pressing him to me, silently begging him to not go, to give me a chance. I can control. I just want to fold him in my arms, comfort him, protect him from the captain, Vulcan, Leonard, anyone who would hurt him in any way.

Suddenly I am pushed against the wall, hard. His lips are devouring mine. I feel his body pressed against mine, but I'm too stunned to feel any pleasure from this. He pulls his hand away but his mind stays within mine. From the kissing? I wrap my arms around his neck, keeping him with me, keeping him safe. His hands are hot, even through my uniform. They make a trail down my back, over my rump, grabbing me, lifting me both up and tighter against him. 

His lips press against my ear. "Forgive me."

"No," I whisper back.

He tried to pull away, but I won't let him go.

"I had no right."

"It's okay. It's okay to need someone once in awhile." My throat tightens. "It's okay to need me sometimes."

He shakes his head, but makes no further attempt to leave me. He looks at me. Assessing me? Perhaps questioning me?

I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile and press my lips to his. He doesn't kiss me back, but when I pull away a little ghost of a smile crosses his lips.

He pulls us away from the wall and carries me into his bedroom. 

~~**~~

An indeterminant time later we are lying beside each other, still, silent, and completely naked and spent. 

"Okay. I believe you," I say, trying to break the tension with a little bit of levity.

He turns onto his side, facing me. "That is…a joke?"

I nod. "Yes, a bad one, I'm afraid."

He makes a noncommittal sound. I turn my head to watch him.

"What are you thinking?" I wish he would show me, come into my head again.

"Many things," he begins. "I think the thoughts you want to know are…I am thinking I have done a terrible thing."

I sit up, turning to him. "Spock…no."

"I used you."

"You turned to me for comfort. There's nothing wrong with that. You're under a lot of pressure, you don't have the captain right now, Leonard isn't helping…"

He shakes his head. 

"I wish…" I look away, frustrated. He cups my face, turning me back to him. He gestures to me to continue. "I wish you could see me as an equal. As a friend, like you do Leonard and Captain Kirk."

He shakes his head again. "You are not equal."

I swallow hard against the hurt.

"I have never done this with either one of them."

I grin despite myself. "All right. Confiding with a woman does manifest itself…differently."

He lies back down and pulls me with him, cradling me against his chest. "So I am learning."

"Is it as effective?"

I hear a low rumble in his chest. Laughter? 

"It is, perhaps in some ways more so."

I hug him and press a kiss against his nipple. "I won't let anything happen to you tomorrow. I'll find a way, I-"

"No." He turns, pressing me onto my back and leans over me. "You must do nothing to draw attention to yourself."

"I'll talk to Leonard, convince him."

Spock shakes his head. "He will not believe you, not when it involves me."

"Please, let me help."

He cups my cheek, brushing his thumb across my lips. "Take care of the Captain. That is what you can do. Do not let them leave him alone on Benecia."

This isn't enough, I want to do more, but I sense his need for this. If nothing else, it might ease his mind. "All right." I smile at him. "I have a few favors I can call in, if need be. The body of Janice Lester, the mind of James Kirk, will remain in my care."

He takes a deep breath and releases it. I see his eyes roam over me, then his hand moves to my breast. "I can think of no safer place for him to be, Miss Chapel."

I glare at him, angry, but it quickly dissipates when I see the mirth in his eyes. He is teasing me! I place my hand over his and squeeze. "Really, Spock," I arch into his palm. "What does a girl need to do to get on a first name basis with you?"

He takes a breath and moves over me, pressing his lips against mine. He kisses my lips, then my cheek, and neck, moving ever lower. Suddenly he is in my mind again. I gasp, elated, and now he is wrapped around me, carrying me away…

~~**~~

I enter the room feeling all eyes turn on me. Spock is in the witness chair, Scotty is standing with him. They have already begun. I move to the front, silently, head bowed apologetically at my interruption. I feel his eyes burning me the entire way. He had not wanted me here, I was not required. They had the number of senior officers needed already, but I couldn't stay away. I take a seat on the empty bench in the front. Scotty calls Spock's name, demanding his attention. I don't dare look up until I hear him answer and I know it is safe.

When he is done I am relieved he sits beside me. Maybe I am forgiven? I glance at him but he stares straight ahead, listening. The captain is questioning Janice. I watch them attentively, with new eyes. I notice their gestures, their tones. How did I not notice before? The 'captain' chortles at the notion of Janice overpowering him to do this…thing. This mind transfer thing. I see Leonard and Scotty squirm uncomfortably. It is an effective argument; they doubt Spock. I see him turn toward me, but I do not squirm, my eyes are daggers, my resolve is firm. I have no doubts.

A recess is called, and I try to talk to him. He is brusque with me, his mind no doubt on his fate. The captain calls us to order. Len and Scotty are not back yet. I sit and wait, and suddenly we are listening to a conversation from outside, a conversation that should have been private. He does to them what he did to Spock, twists their words against them. He charges them with mutiny. I nearly fall over when he declares the death penalty. That can't be allowed, can it?! I look to Pavel and Hikaru, the official officers here, but they are stunned. Finally I can stand it no longer, no matter what I promised. I stand up to object, but so do they, loudly. It falls on deaf ears, of course. We are ordered to our posts, but I won't go. I step forward to make my own charge, but the burning feeling returns. I look toward Spock, he is staring at me, his gaze intense. There is a guard with him, holding him, a phaser pointed at his back. I feel tears prick at my eyes. He shakes his head, just once, minutely, but his message is clear. Go. Remember. I swallow hard against the lump in my throat and flee. I have calls to put through and plans to make. Time is short; we are almost to Benecia.

~~**~~

I am called to sickbay just a few minutes later. I ignore it. Someone else can deal with it. Whatever it is, it pales in comparison to what is happening to so many of the ones I love here. Leonard, Monty…Spock. I indulge in a short cry, a small release, then wipe my tears away. Benecia is within range. Roger has an old colleague working there.

The summonses keep coming over the intercom. 'Chapel Report to Sickbay.' 'Chapel call Sickbay.' It is nurse Ching's voice. I hate her voice. I've done all I can until we reach the planet, so I head down there, slowly. I wonder if they're still alive. Who will declare them dead? Is that why I'm being called down? I might punch Ching in the face when I get there.

I enter the ward and freeze. They're here, all of them. Len and Spock stand beside each other, Scotty and the captain are leaning against one of the exam beds. They're talking, or they were. My entrance calls all their attention. 

"Where the hell've you been?" Len grouses, then smiles at me, his blue eyes twinkling under the bright sickbay lights. 

I stammer stupidly. What can I say? Why aren't you dead? I look at each of them, my eyes locking last with Spock's. He's safe. They're all safe.

Before I can stop myself I'm running toward him, arms reaching for him. His eyes widen slightly, but he does not move. At the last second sanity returns and I throw myself around Leonard instead. He staggers, laughing, and wraps his arms around me, rubbing my back soothingly.

"That's almost worth gettin' the death penalty for!" he kids, hugging me even tighter.

"Aye, the Doctor's not the only one who had one foot in the grave. Don't I be deservin' a bit of that too, Lassie?"

I grin and turn to Scotty, hugging him tight. Everything blurs so I close my eyes. I am crying again. I can't help it. When I open them Spock is there, behind everyone now, the table between him and me. He meets my eyes briefly then looks away. I refuse to be hurt by it. When I pull back Monty presses a quick kiss against my lips.

They go back to talking while I try to collect myself. In the process I am, inadvertently, updated on the events that transpired after I left, and on Janice Lester's condition. They all express sentiments of sympathy and pity for her. It is only I, perhaps because I am a woman, or maybe it's just me, that speaks out in anger. Anger at her attitude and her greed. I can't wait to get her off this ship and I couldn't care less if she spends the rest of her life as miserable as she's been us these past few weeks. 

I have stunned them. They stare at me, and I feel my cheeks burn with yet another emotional outburst pending. I leave instead, taking refuge at my desk. There are reports to be done. There are always reports.

A short time later Scotty and the captain walk through. Monty places a chaste kiss atop my head as he passes. Neither speak to me. 

A hand touches my shoulder, burning me. I close my eyes and wait. 

"May I speak with you?"

I nod and take a deep breath. "Of course." When I look up his eyes are hooded, mysterious. 

"About last night," he qualifies.

I nod again. What else could I do?

"What are you two in cahoots about?" 

I jump up from my chair. My nerves are shot today.

"Cahoots, Doctor?"

Leonard is leaning against the door jamb, his arms crossed, watching us. "Don't deny it, Spock. I noticed it at the hearing." He looks from Spock to me, then back. "You two had something planned, didn't ya? You gettin' my nurse involved in something dangerous?"

I say nothing, letting Spock deal with it. I don't trust myself; I might say too much, give something away.

"If we were, Doctor," Spock's voice drips with sarcasm. A tone he seems to reserve especially for Leonard. "Would we not have employed it before I was placed in the brig awaiting a death penalty?"

Len grunts doubtfully, but leaves us. I realize I'm not breathing and gasp loudly, pulling in some much needed oxygen. 

Spock looks at me strangely. "I am sorry-"

"Not here," I beg him quietly.

He nods. "I have those reports completed in my quarters, Nurse," he says more loudly then necessary. "I am stopping in there on my way to the bridge. If you have a moment to accompany me, I see no reason for them to sit until the end of our shifts."

"Of course, Mister Spock," I push out. My voice sounds strange, even to my ears. 

He takes me by the arm, steering me toward the door, but drops his hand before we get there. I follow him.

~~**~~

I start to talk the second his door closes behind us. "Nothing has changed, Spock. I'm okay with what happened. I really am."

His back is to me. "Has it occurred to you that perhaps *I* am not 'okay' with what happened?" He pulls a glass from a cupboard and pours some dark green liquid into it. He turns, holding it out to me.

I shake my head and he sets the glass down, abandoning it. "Sit," he gestures to his desk chair, the only chair in the room. 

I take a seat and he leans against the desk, beside me. His arms are crossed over his chest. He looks pensive.

"What do you want me to do?"

His eyes widen. "You? You do not have to do anything." His lips press together, then he turns further toward me. "On Vulcan the act of…the act is considered very sacred. It is life-giving."

I nod.

"Not just to new life," he says awkwardly. He nods at me, gesturing. 

It takes me a moment before I understand. "Yes, I remember." He sighs, I think relieved.

"When a female gives herself to a male it is an honor. For him to provide nothing in return is just… It simply is not done."

"Then what do you suggest?"

"I suggest nothing. I have never been in this situation before. There are no excuses for what I have done."

"And what have you done?" I stand up and take his face between my hands, forcing him to look at me. "I did not save your life, and you did not take advantage of me. Do you really think forcing us into some sort of life-long commitment is a logical compensation for a few moments of weakness?"

"Weakness," he says in disgust. "That is the crux of the matter, is it not?"

I release him and pace a few steps in front of him. "Everyone has weak moments, Spock. There's nothing wrong with that."

"No, it is how one acts in those moments that are right or wrong."

"You did nothing that a lot of men wouldn't do, haven't done."

Spock nods slowly. "Correct. I acted just as a man would. I acted like a Human."

My heart sinks. Somehow I feel dirty. "Spock, don't…" 

"It is a symptom I have been experiencing far too frequently."

"You're half human too," I remind him.

"Yes, but regardless it is not how I was raised to behave," his eyes lock on mine, "by either of my parents."

I lean back against the partition wall, staring at the ceiling. "No one knows but us. I won't say anything." When l look back he is staring at me, intense. I am reminded of yesterday, and what happened between us, beginning at this very spot I stood now.

He stands up and walks as far away from me as he can, keeping his back to me. "Getting caught is irrelevant. I do not find this current state of affairs to be tolerable." He sighs deeply. "Maybe I have been here too long."

"This is your home."

"I know." He turns around and I see a glimpse of the desperation I saw yesterday. "But what can I do?"

I don't know if he is asking me professionally, or personally, but he is asking *me*. And I love him even more for it. "Maybe you should go back to Vulcan for a while? Everyone needs a break now and then, Spock, and you hardly ever use your shore leaves. Submerse yourself in your culture. Find your roots, as they say." I take a few steps closer, but leave him his space. "This mission is almost over, and Scotty says the Enterprise will need a refit." He nods. "I suppose this takes a certain amount of time, maybe you could go then?"

"I do not wish to lose my position on this ship."

"You won't," I assure him, nearly laughing at the idea. "Not as long as Jim Kirk captains her."

He looks down, frowning. 

After a moment I start to worry and scramble for something else to say. Something better.

He looks up at me and his face is clear, calm. He gives me that small smile I'm just foolish enough to think is just for me. "I shall consider it. Thank you."

I smile back, relieved. "All in a day's work, Commander." I start for the door and he meets me there. He touches my arm with just one finger, but it stops me dead.

"Thank you, *Christine*."

Again he leaves me speechless. I smile up at him, touched. I can feel tears threatening to flow again, and I know this time I must leave before they can fall. I clear my throat. "One does not thank logic, Spock." His eyes widen. I have shocked him. Before he can recover I leave and head straight for my cabin. I need time to myself, time to recover.

Len can fetch those reports later.

THE END


End file.
